5 brands walked into a bar, got tipsy and rebooted

Let’s pretend we went to happy hour with five top brands and pushed drinks on them. Sounds reasonable, right?

Not Cosmos or Appletinis; we don’t have deep pockets. We’re talking rail liquor and beer. Again and again.

Because we’re persuasive and able to withstand a bucket of Ice House long necks, we were able to get our guests to tell us the taglines they really wished they could use – if profiteering and corporate citizenship didn’t matter.

Taglines used to have punch. They took chances. They were PG-13-ish zingers. Today they’re lawyered, doctored and sanitized like a Jacuzzi after a Bieber posse skinny-dip-a-thon.

Let’s flip the script…

5. Apple
Swiping away the world’s productivity.
Does the Mother of all Innovation make it easier to crank out a critical business case on an airplane middle seat or search for which “Seinfeld” episodes Keith Hernandez guest-starred in on the hotel gym elliptical at 20/cal hour? I think you know.

4. Enterprise
We only own one tie.
Enterprise makes their young go-getters dress for prom and then mop up all your crap. Please cut them some slack.

3. Ikea
$11, 2 busted Allen wrenches and 143 steps to your next Ottoman.
Fun and semi-ironic fun fact: Lukewarm Swedish meatballs double as excellent throw pillows for dollhouse furniture.

2. Google
We know your darkest secrets.
Seriously, we know what you like and how you like it… we’re talking about frozen yogurt toppings, you sicko.

1. Old Navy
Outfitting a middle class clone army in hoodies since 1994.
Don’t ask why those jeans only cost $23. And don’t question the denim-coated felines slipping out of the Old Navy basement cat farms, either.